So, I was laid off. Let go. Downsized. Who'd have thought it would happen to me? Seriously. It was a surprise when it all came down. Not necessarily when it came to me as several had already been let go by the time I was called. But the people chosen was definitely a surprise. I won't even try to figure out how and why we were chosen. Though I find it odd that the few that were cut, just happened to not have young kids or other dependents. That's just my observation. There is no real way to know what criteria was used.
In any case, I've had a day and a night to think it all through. Some tell me I handled it with grace or I was very positive. Others keep trying to convince me that I am in shock. Well, I'm here to tell you how I really feel about it all.
I do think it sucks but at the same time, it's a bit of a relief. I've been wanting to leave the place for some time now. Then last few months have barely been bearable due to the lack of work. And the management....don't get me started on that! So you see. It was not an ideal situation for me. But as with most people, I either couldn't find a comparable replacement or found other reasons to remain. When my partner was boxed, I was shocked but confused because I couldn't gage his feelings based his face or his actions. He seemed...amused? He called me not an hour later and told me what had gone down. It was at that point I knew in my heart that I was probably not going to make the cut. It was only a matter of when it would happen. Of course any work to be done ceased. No way I was going out like that! Someone else could do it.
Because so many people were freaking out around me, I chose not to let them in on this knowledge. We couldn't change what was going to happen anyway. As I sat there answering questions, listening to the Ditsy, Crazy, Paranoid and just plain stupid, I began tuning them out for my own thoughts. I was thinking 'What if I'm wrong? What if I don't get chosen and am one of the ones left?' I got a knot in my stomach. I then realized I did not want to be here. If others were let go who would they be? People that made my day bearable? My work existence would go from bad to worse. It was at that point that I calmed down and realized if I lost my job, it would not be the end of My world. Indeed it would be just the beginning. And beginnings are always good. So, I sat and waited.
Sure enough, I was called. The brief reading of intent to terminate and the explanation was painless. Even a bit of a relief. I looked over at my manager and saw her barely contained tears. What the hell? The HR lady was as robotic as ever. She visibly relaxed after I started chatting her up when my manager left to get boxes. We discussed the irresponsible practices of FedEx and why I needed 3 boxes. She even laughed at my jokes. Never let it be said that I can't shine light on a bad situation.
While boxing up my things, I mentioned that it was much too quiet and there was no need for that. I looked up and there's my manager crying her little Indian eyes out. I tossed her a roll of toilet paper. I looked around to see four more pairs of teary eyes. I dared not look over the wall at T. When is she not in tears? I cracked some jokes hoping to at least get them to laugh and stop all the crying. I mean would I cry if they left? Probably not. But I'm also not that big on public emotion.
Then the Devil himself comes over and shakes my hand and wishes me luck. Now, I know it was him who made the decision (based on my manager's reaction when he came over) and I could have been nasty and left him hanging. I did not. I shook. However, I could not stop myself from making a snide comment. I loved the surprised look on his face and immediately thought of several other things to say but refrained. I could not bring myself to stoop that low. Besides, even though it was him, I would have regretted any harsh words and had trouble sleeping.
I had let my husband and family know well before I had the actual facts that I would probably not have a job. So, when I got home, the husband was there waiting. He immediately gave me a hug and consoling words and said, 'Go get dressed. We have to go and workout.' I knew what he was doing. He was catching me before I got to that part of me that thinks and starts to worry. He was very right in this action.
We headed out in the hundred degree heat to the relief of shade trees along the trail and took a much needed walk. We didn't talk too much. We sweat a lot. I looked over at him and almost teared up at the thought of me deserving someone that knew me so well, that he knew exactly what I needed to get to a good place in my head.
So, there you have it. I was dropped and then boxed. I'm not too disappointed and not yet worried. As my Ole Wise One of a Husband would say, 'Why bring worry to your life when God has already taken care of you?' So, I don't and I won't....worry that is.