OK. So...it's been a year today. A whole year that my Mama's been gone. I miss her everyday but today was almost as hard as the day it all happened. And oddly enough, I've handled it roughly the same way I did back then. I haven't cried today. Last night was another story but today, no tears. I'm far from over it mind you. I still hurt like no body's business but I know what I have to do now. A year ago, I felt lost. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to do. I went into autopilot and made myself useful. I cooked. I cleaned. I answered the phone and passed it to the nearest sibling. Today, I once again went into that autopilot phase. But this time, I was doing things a little different and doing it for me. I went to the gym. I pushed myself like never before. I went to work. I functioned fairly well and I even smiled. I didn't much feel that smile inside but it needed to be done. I went home and I walked 2 miles with my sister and a friend. It was a good walk and I felt like I did something useful by helping them reach their walking goal that day. My legs and my heart ached but I made it. No longer was I lost or numb. I felt it all and am fine with that.
I believe in every tragedy, heartache, and mistake, there is a lesson to be learned. Following my loss, I learned so much about myself. I learned how to love like never before. It's not something to keep to myself. It's there for me to share and I will. I have. My husband has been so much to me. He's been a wonderful support in everything and I love him more than I thought I ever could love a person that wasn't blood family. I give him my love. My family has always been there and I love them just as much. But I've added a respectful love for all of them this year. Everyone has grown to appreciate life just a bit more and none of them are shy about sharing that now and I think that is so awesome. I totally respect that!
I've learned that I can do a lot of things that for years I told myself I said couldn't do. I made a promise to myself that I would make myself healthy in my Mama's memory. It's what she always wanted for all of us. To be healthy. And I don't intend to disappoint.
I finally stopped trying to lose weight and decided to take measures to just be healthy. And guess what? The weight seems to be coming with that change. I learned that it's OK to satisfy my needs first so that I can better serve others. I've learned to stop putting things off no matter how hard it is to face. I've learned that I can always make it on what has been given to me. I've learned to laugh and enjoy myself more. I've learned that everything is going to be OK.
Would I love to have my Mama here with me now? Of course I would. There are so many things I wish I could say to her now that I didn't then. But I would never regret the relationship we had because of this. God gave us a good run with her and we seemed to have made the best of it. Now it's time for me to live the life that I always talked about with her. I'm finally ready.